The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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