how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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