fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
