So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
