Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
