I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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