I want to make a zoo with you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
