So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
