so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
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