Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
