Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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