some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
