the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
