i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
