hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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