The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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