Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Operation Purity has been aborted
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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