You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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