Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
