My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
