if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
