I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
