Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
