Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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