Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
