she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize