There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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