Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
