my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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