just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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