Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
