The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
