he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i now understand why vodka
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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