u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
