Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
