note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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