i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
