i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
