Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize