why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
