it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
