Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
