hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize