Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize