i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
