Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
