I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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