why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
