Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
