Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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