The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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