I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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