Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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