So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
