Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
