My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
