I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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