im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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