Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
